


Prey in the Abyss, Ver. 1.0 (A Play in Two[?] Acts)

by J_Unleashed



Category: Finder no Hyouteki | Finder Series
Genre: Crack, Finder recap, Humor, M/M, Parody, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2018-12-25 02:13:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12025935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_Unleashed/pseuds/J_Unleashed
Summary: A rejected script of the latest released chapter retrieved from someone's trash bin, stained with a bit of raw egg and spilled tea. I make no claims to its accuracy, nor of its authenticity. (Read along while referencing panels from the chapter, if possible).*SPOILERS*No joke.(Edited)*I've been dumpster diving again. I'm pretty sure the second part is the first draft of Chap. 23 (released 28 Oct 2017), which apparently Sensei wisely tossed out and rewrote. It seems there was a lot more dialogue originally.I must reiterate-- this WAS found in the garbage...





	1. Act I-- You Must Remember This...

**Author's Note:**

> Don't expect much. _Seriously._ It's mostly a practice exercise to get me back into the writing groove. Just for this time, I am spelling that guy's name as "Feilong". I do this to appease a certain someone for my own amusement (and no, I do not concede the argument).
> 
> For NW and LL... because they were just ASKING for it.

_Scene: A small basement bar, located in a basement without any windows or alternative exits, in a townhouse somewhere in the middle of Hong Kong._

FEILONG: So, Asami... why run here? To Hong Kong, of all places? For being a marked man, I can't think of a worse choice you could've made. _(He leans against the bar, striking what he knows is a casual yet alluring pose. He smiles mischievously.)_  Is it because you were hoping to meet up with me?

ASAMI: _(purposely not looking at Feilong)_   Is that why you got all dressed up before running over here?

FEILONG: _(scowls)_   I did NOT get all dressed up. This is my business attire.

ASAMI: _(he glances at Feilong_ )  Really? A cravat?

FEILONG: _(looks flustered for a second, but recovers quickly and waves his hand dismissively)_   I don't care for neckties... too constraining. And it's not a cravat, it's an ascot. But let's not get off the subject. Why are you here?

ASAMI: Why are YOU here?

FEILONG: Well, Akihito contacted me—

ASAMI: _(looks up, startled)_   Akihito...?

_Asami wistfully gazes off into the distance...  
_

 

_FADE OUT_

_[Flashback begins]_

_FADE IN_

_Scene: Tokyo. The inside of an airplane hangar, sometime before dawn. The air is damp and foggy._

AKIHITO: _(looking at Asami with large, teary, googly eyes)_   Why are you leaving me behind? Where are you going? Take me with you!

ASAMI: I've got a job to do. Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be ANY part of. Akihito, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that.

AKIHITO: _(looks confused)_   Huh? Hill of beans? THREE people?!

ASAMI: Now, now... _(He puts his hand to Akihito's chin and raises Akihito's face to meet his own.)_   Here's looking at you, kid.

_Asami turns away and climbs the stairs to board a small jet. The stairs are rolled away and the jet engines start._

AKIHITO: Wait... where have I heard all this before? _(He suddenly grins and snaps his fingers.)_ Ah... CASABLANCA!

_The airplane begins to taxi out of the hangar. Akihito looks at it, shocked, and then begins waving his arms while chasing after it._

AKIHITO: Asami... WAIT!!! They gave you the wrong script! I'm supposed get a sloppy kiss and a sappy goodbye from you! ASAMI! ASAMIIIIIII...

 

_FADE OUT_

_[Flashback ends]_

_FADE IN_

 

_Scene: The present._

FEILONG: ... Asami?   _(He snaps his fingers in front of Asami's face.)_

ASAMI: _(frowns)_   You said something about Akihito...?

FEILONG: I SAID I've been in contact with him. You, apparently haven't.

ASAMI: _(shakes his head as if to clear it)_ I haven't been in contact with him.

FEILONG: Yes, I just said that!

ASAMI: Yes. Yes... he doesn't know what's going on. It's better this way. It's the only way to keep him safe.

FEILONG: Really? This is Akihito we're talking about. Have you never heard the phrase "curiosity killed the cat"...?

_Asami gives Feilong a withering look._

FEILONG: _(smiles brightly)_   How about "...but satisfaction brought him back"? Oh yes, I've been stroking and satisfying your little kitty...

ASAMI: _(growls)_   Feilong...

FEILONG: Did you know I did one of those internet things where you fill out a form on the personality types of people you know, and then you click to see who would be your best love-match? You know who it matched me with? Not Yoh, not Mikhail... not even you... but Akihito! We're a 96% perfect match. Do you know who it matched YOU with?   _(He grins gleefully.)_ Saka—

ASAMI: _(angrily grabs Feilong by the collar)_   Are you PURPOSELY trying to piss me off?!

FEILONG: _(grins victoriously)_ Heh...!

_Asami lets go of Feilong's collar. He takes a deep breath and regains his composure.  
_

FEILONG: _(smooths out his crumpled blazer while smirking)_   It is SO easy to get you riled up these days. I can't begin to tell you how much I'm enjoying this.

ASAMI: Why are you REALLY here?

FEILONG: _(scowls again)_   That's right... because of your idiotic idea to come here to Hong Kong... fully aware that our history together is well-known by just about everyone in the underworld...

ASAMI: _(shakes his head. )_   We don't have a "history together".

FEILONG: Yes we do.

ASAMI: No we don't.

FEILONG: Stop being such an asshole about it. It's a HISTORY. You and I have been through things... TOGETHER. Done things... TOGETHER.

ASAMI: Not THAT kind of thing.

FEILONG: Oh, yes. That... was actually a thing.

ASAMI: _(unable to hold back a smirk)_   And it was such a little thing...

FEILONG: _(glares)_   The REASON I came here is to tell you, because of YOU, my men and I are constantly being stalked by YOUR enemies. Everywhere we go, they follow us. Night or day... rain or shine...

ASAMI: _(looks at Feilong, aghast)_   What did you just say...?

_The phone in Feilong's blazer begins ringing. He takes it out and before he can answer it properly, a voice squawks out of it, loud enough for the whole room to hear._

VOICE ON PHONE: Feilong-sama! The building is surrounded by a bunch of guys with guns! You need to come out NOW!

FEILONG: _(smiles sheepishly)_   Oops! 

ASAMI: Yes, Feilong-sama, you heard what he said... go on out so the nice guys can shoot you. It'll save me the damn trouble of doing it myself.

VOICE ON KIRISHIMA'S RADIO: Kirishima-san! We're under attac— GUH!

_Sounds of gunfire are heard offstage and continue sporadically to the end of the scene. Feilong exits stage left._

FEILONG: _(offstage)_   May I have my gun back please? Thank you. _(He reenters, now armed)_   You stay put... I'VE GOT THIS! _(He growls and bares his teeth.)  
_

ASAMI: Wait, those guys wear body armor—

 _Feilong ignores Asami and yells as he charges through the door and up the stairs. He dodges body of a Sion_ _Redshirt™ falling down the stairs. Once up the stairs, he jumps over the bodies of two more slain Sion R edshirts™. Suddenly, a window shatters as two men in body armor jump through it. Feilong has a man in front of him and one standing behind, both pointing guns at him._

ARMOR-WEARING GUY WITH (PROBABLY) AN EAST EUROPEAN ACCENT: Drop your gun, now!

_Suddenly, two loud shots ring out. The intruders fall to the ground. Feilong turns around and sees Asami pointing a handgun with one hand and carrying a_ _submachine gun with the other hand._

ASAMI: What part of "those guys wear body armor" did you NOT understand?!   _(He tosses the submachine gun to Feilong, who deftly catches it.)_

FEILONG: Oh, please! You managed to take them down with your everyday gun!

ASAMI: It's loaded with armor-piercing bullets.

FEILONG: Oh. _(He holds up the submachine gun.)_   You know, unlike YOU, I don't need to use a big gun to compensate for what I lack. I happen to be a master of martial arts...

ASAMI: _(gruffly)_   Less chit-chat, more pew-pew. 

_ Both men assume an effective, but sexy defensive stance. _

ASAMI: _(sighs)_   You set me up on purpose, didn't you? 

FEILONG: Do you know how long it's been since I've seen any action?! _(He shrugs and smiles.)_   Come on... you've missed me. Just admit it. 

ASAMI: _(with a hint of a smile)_   No. 

 

_ FADE OUT _

_ [Flashback begins] _

_ FADE IN _

 

_Scene: The inside of an airplane hangar, once more._

AKIHITO: _(looking sad and resigned to his fate)_   Fine... you go play "Whose On Top?" with your buddies while I... I don't know... maybe I'll camp-out in Kirishima's basement and binge on junk food and computer games. _(Looks glum and turns away.)_ I'm probably gonna end up getting fat...

_Asami hugs Akihito from behind and then gently takes Akihito chin and turns it toward him. He gives Akihito a brief, but passionate kiss. He looks at him and smiles._

ASAMI: Then... there will just be more of you for me to love.

_Asami picks up a designer duffle bag and walks toward the jet. Before ascending the stairs, he stops and leans toward Kirishima's ear._

ASAMI: _(speaking in a low voice)_   Confiscate all his electronic devices, and drop him off in place with no internet or cable, with an over-enthusiastic fitness buff... a CELIBATE fitness buff...  to watch after him and keep him moving.

KIRISHIMA: _(smiles evilly_ )  It would be my pleasure.

 

_ Curtain _

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _The Viewfinder Series is the property of Yamane Ayano and Libre/SuBLime Publishing. I claim exemption under the US Copyright "Fair Use" rule (Use in Parody) [17 U.S.C. § 107]_
> 
> Works Cited:  
>  _Casablanca_. Dir. Michael Curtiz. Perfs. Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman. Warner Bros., 1942. Film.


	2. Act II-- Call of Duty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't really sure if I was going to do this again, especially since the last chapter was mostly action with little dialogue. Still, I toyed with it for my own amusement and this is the end result (my sincerest apologies ahead of time). 
> 
> Feilong is now back to being Fei Long. :P

_Scene: In the lobby of a random building, somewhere on a hillside in Hong Kong._

ASAMI: _(slaps a fresh magazine into his gun with a grim expression on his face)_   All right. It's time to clean house.

FEI LONG: _(cringing)_   What is it with you and the corny clichés?! _(He lowers his voice.)_   Okay, I've got a plan. Those guys are EVERYWHERE so we should move slowly and stealthily, and—

ASAMI: The hell with that. You stay put... I've got this!  _(He glares determinedly and charges ahead, shooting as he runs.)_

GUERILLA #1: _(wielding a tactical knife and yelling as he jumps down from a balcony above Asami)_   WAAAAAH! SNEAK ATTACK!!!

ASAMI: _(looks up, his lip quirking into a half-smile)_   Really?

 _Asami_ _brings his arm up to block the knife. His arm is slashed as Guerilla #1 lands on top of him and pins him to the ground._

GUERILLA #1: _(triumphantly, while straddling Asami)_   Look everybody! I'm TOPPING ASAMI! HAHAHA! Get ready... I'm gonna penetrate you now...

_Guerilla #1 tries to stab Asami with his knife, but is kicked in the head by Fei Long, which simultaneously knocks him out and off of Asami._

FEI LONG: _(mutters)_   Cut-tus interruptus... loser. _(Fei turns to Asami and yells at him.)_ What part of "those guys are EVERYWHERE" did you NOT understand?!

ASAMI: _(frowns)_   It didn't occur to me to look up. 

FEI LONG: You didn't think to look up... _(Rolls his eyes.)_   By the way, you dropped a Chekhov's gun... I mean, the phone I gave you. 

ASAMI: Ah...  _(He scoops up the phone and slips it into his shirt pocket.)_

_Several more armed men come charging at them._

FEI LONG: Oh. Shit.

_Fei dodges behind a wall, leaving Asami exposed as the sole target. Asami gives Fei an annoyed look, then glances at Guerilla #1 lying on the ground next to him. He snatches him by the collar, pulling the guerilla's body up against him._

GUERILLA #1: _(regains consciousness and opens his eyes)_   What are you doing...?

ASAMI: No worries... I always use protection.

GUERILLA #1: Wait... you're using me as a shield? He— he's gonna use me as a shield!!!

FEI LONG: _(from behind the wall)_   Better you than me!

_The other guerillas shoot, riddling Guerilla #1's body with bullets. Guerilla #2 charges toward them. Fei jumps out from behind the wall, knocks Guerilla #2 down, and then unloads several rounds into his body. Suddenly, a grenade is lobbed into the air..._

ASAMI: Hey, Fei Long...

FEI LONG: _(turns to look at Asami)_   What?

_Asami grabs Fei and jumps out of the way, angling Fei's body in front of him to use as a shield. The grenade goes off with a blinding flash and a very loud BANG! They hit the ground with Asami landing on top of Fei._

ASAMI: _(smirks)_   Stun grenade.

FEI LONG: _(lying beneath Asami, disorientated and blinded)_   ... bastard. _(He passes out.)_

_Asami whips out a couple of canisters and lobs them in front of the approaching guerillas. They land with a clatter on the floor and go off immediately, obscuring everything in a cloud of smoke._

GUERILLA #3: He's deployed smoke grenades!

GUERILLA #4: _(lowers his gun and turns to look at Guerilla #3)_   Gee... thanks for letting me know, Captain Obvious!

_A shot rings out and Guerilla #4 goes down._

GUERILLA #3: _(voice trembling as he whispers)_   Okay... everybody be quiet so he can't pinpoint your location—

_An arm suddenly shoots out of the smoke and wraps around Guerilla #3's neck. The sound of bones cracking echo throughout the room, and he falls to the ground._

GUERILLA #5: _(taunts, while warily looking around)_   Ohhh... those were grenade canisters in your pocket all this time? And here I was thinking you were well-endowed...

ASAMI'S VOICE: I AM well-endowed! The grenades came out of a case from my shoulder harness.

GUERILLA #5: _(chuckling as he clicks a lens in place over his eye)_   You think you're so clever. Well, I happen to have night vision goggles so the smoke can't hide you!

ASAMI'S VOICE: Hey Einstein... night vision goggles boost available light. Smoke reflects light like crazy, which makes your goggles worthless. You'd need a thermal imager that detects body heat... 

GUERILLA #5: Crap! Yeah... I knew that.

_Suddenly, the audience can see clearly. Guerilla #5 is right in front of Asami, who freezes in place with Fei's body flung over his shoulder. Asami has a classic "deer caught in the headlights" expression on his face._

GUERILLA #5: _(wearing a much bulkier eyepiece)_   Oh yeah, your body's definitely hot. This does work better. Thanks!

_Guerilla #5 stares at Asami's shirt pocket._

GUERILLA #5: That's an iPhone, isn't it? _(He raises and aims his shotgun.)_ I REALLY hate Apple fanboys...

_Guerilla #5 shoots, hitting Asami in the chest. Asami is violently thrown backwards and goes down, dropping Fei's body in the process._

GUERILLA #5: _(approaches Asami's body slowly)_ SAMSUNG FOR THE WIN, jackass...!

_He aims his shotgun directly at Asami's head. Fei suddenly appears behind Guerilla #5.  
_

FEI LONG: Nobody cares about your annoying phone fanboy war.

_Guerilla #5 freezes._

FEI LONG: _(points his gun, infuriated)_   Your stupid stun grenade gave me a horrible headache and messed up my hair. Do you have any idea how long it took me to fix my hair this morning?! _(He angrily shoots Guerilla #5.)_

_Guerilla #5 falls to the ground. As the echo of gunshots fade and the smoke clears away, Fei finds himself surrounded by many bodies. Asami's is among them._

FEI LONG: I don't believe it. Asami is dead?! Oh well... maybe I'll get to be the main character now.

_Asami opens his eyes. Fei looks surprised, then he sighs resignedly. He spies the iPhone nearby with a bullet hole in it._

FEI LONG: Damn. I guess Apple does make a pretty good product.

_Asami sits up and stares at the destroyed iPhone. He picks it up carefully and looks at it dejectedly._

FEI LONG: Don't worry about it. I was going to upgrade to iPhone X anyway.

ASAMI: _(closes his eyes and bows his head while cradling the phone)_   Akihito...!

FEI LONG: _(very concerned)_   Oh, hey! No, no... that's not Akihito. It's a phone. Akihito is just fine...

ASAMI: _(looks up and glares)_   I KNOW it's a phone! His messages are lost.

FEI LONG: Yes, and the dick pics he sent are gone, too.

ASAMI: The... what?

FEI LONG: Well, that's not important now. What IS important is that someone really, really, REALLY wants you dead. It looks like you're going to have to rely on me to help you. So let's shake hands and call it a truce. _(He extends his hand out to Asami.)_

ASAMI: And why should I do that?

FEI LONG: Because... _(Music begins to play and Fei takes a deep breath.)_

I am the very model of a modern major criminal  
I also give off pheromones so sexy but subliminal  
I managed once or twice to save Asami who's quite cynical  
I make this offer knowing that it's dangerous and whimsical...

_Fei takes another deep breath.  
_

ASAMI: _(quickly grabs Fei Long's hand and begins to stand up)_   OKAY! Okay, truce. Just... stop singing.

FEI LONG: _(urgently)_   Wait...!

_Asami freezes in position and looks at Fei quizzically._

FEI LONG: _(looks down at his hand which is on top of Asami's, and then smirks)_   It looks like I'm the one topping Asami now...

ASAMI: _(looks down)_ ...shit.

_Asami quickly twists his wrist so that their hands are now even._

 

_Curtain_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _The Viewfinder Series is the property of Yamane Ayano and Libre/SuBLime Publishing. I claim exemption under the US Copyright "Fair Use" rule (Use in Parody) [17 U.S.C. § 107]_
> 
> References:  
> "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General". _The Pirates of Penzance_. W. S. Gilbert (Librettist),  & A. Sullivan (Composer). 1880.
> 
> Acknowledgements:  
> Sokka of the Southern Water Tribe.


End file.
